it's that time of year.

ive found that i always pray a lot this time of year. although the tone of my prayers progress from those of troubled gratitude to tearful babblings to sheer desperation to quiet shame... its nice to be in constant communication with the Lord. He is always listening.

(... i'm sorry, Jesus.)

the holiday season is such an emotionally nauseating time. not because of all the cheer and decorations and twinkle lights and warmness admist coldness... theres just always so much to do and only two seconds to do it in. the mini-celebrations after completing a task is immediately followed by the dread of the proceeding task... enter nausea. and as someone who has an offensive emotional attachment to her list of things to do... enter emotional.

part of me is really looking forward to next christmas, to see if things change once youre not a student anymore and theres no more.. winter equals finals equals how can i get to the emergency room without hurting myself but still get out of this final... equals excessive amounts of time, money and words spent online... equals stress bleeding into and discoloring every other part of my life, however vibrant and healthy...

post higher education days, what dost thou hold for a weakling such as i?

constant communication.  better conclusions.  and less profanity, perhaps.

ricola.

book.
bed.
pajamas.
tea. water. oj.
humidifier.
box of kleenex.
pride & prejudice dvd.
glasses. (for colin.)

... i guess the perfect illustration would be an exploded head with a kleenex in my hand.

-poor me face-

semi sappy.

" in the midst of the turmoil of life, when we think all we want is to be left alone, Jesus extends His nail-scarred hand and invites us to be His friends. He says, 'i have called you friends, for all things that i heard from My Father I have made known to you' (john 15:15). we have a choice: to keep to ourselves, or to open our heart to a friendship of unlimited love and guidance."
-- joe stowell, our daily bread

precious moments. its crazy. the Word is very very direct. this is the first time in my life that the Word is speaking to me so clearly. before, the Bible really confused me. and a lot of times it just frustrated me... "gyash why dont i just get it alreadyyy... whatever im never really gonna get it thank God for other people in my small group..."

really, this is further proof that God knows me. so perfectly. too much thinking. probably my biggest shortcoming. sometimes my thoughts exhaust me and i wish i could knock myself out. its as if... i dig a hole and just sit in it, obliviously at first... then i see what ive done and just cry bc i dont know how to get out of this mess i dug myself into...   knowing how exhaustingly i look into things, God is giving me all these verses in the Bible that dont seem to require a lot of thought or interpretation on my part. bc He knows... He knows that i can overthink the sh*t out of pretty much anything... and right now its important that i just get it...

... so. im very excited. and delighted. and when i feel this way i usually want to share it with everyone i know. i want to list out all these verses that are so alive and three-dimensional in my life right now and share everything God has been sharing with me... but it doesnt seem wise to do that bc... they are too raw and fresh and still very new to me... and bc they are precious moments shared between me and my Father... 

i know there are lots of lessons that time and age will marinate into my heart. right now i feel like a kid who just got a new picture book. i am wildly flipping through the pages, only looking at the pictures. its exciting, and the pictures are important to this book. but in time i will stop to read and learn what the book is about. and i will understand. later, i will read the book again, this time through the lense of experience, age, and maybe a little bit of wisdom. and it will have new meaning. and i will have deeper understanding.

... and hopefully it will always be this way...  exciting. delighting. getting.
aging. wising. deeping.

peas!

i miss you i miss you
a whole whole lot
i miss you i miss you
where should i start

i miss you like good food
fills up my little tummy
i miss you like a good joke
that always makes a funny

i miss you like a clean shower
so refreshing and need-ate-ed
and despite what i may say
you are not overrated

i miss you like a little chick
misses mother hen
i cant wait for saturday
it doesnt matter when

i miss you like a shoe
would miss its other pair
so tidy up that pod
'cause soon i'll be right there

and if anyone even dares
to take my middle place
pray that our Lord
will show him mercy and grace...

because i wont.

back off, dave.